


To Hell and Back

by kuroasuga



Category: NCT (Band), SuperM, WAYV
Genre: Anxiety, Bottom! Ten, Depression, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Intimacy, Kissing, M/M, Post death experiences, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Top! Lucas, friendships, relationships, this fic is a rollercoaster lads strap up!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-26
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:21:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27211858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kuroasuga/pseuds/kuroasuga
Summary: When bored with life Lucas accidentally dies in a overdose he’s granted another chance on earth by the grim reaper to make amends, from there he meets Ten, who suffers from depression and ready to end it and the two of them discover they have more in common then they initially thought.
Relationships: Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas
Comments: 4
Kudos: 75





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> “I must confess, I have always wondered what lay beyond life, my dear.  
> Yeah, everybody wonders. And sooner or later everybody gets to find out” - Neil Gaiman’s The Sandman 
> 
> Welcome all! welcome all to another Tencas fic made my yours truly. 
> 
> Unlike the rest of my fics this one has dark themes from the get go which include talks of self harm, drug addiction, rehabilitation struggles, and mentions of suicide. 
> 
> If any of these are a trigger to you please do not read, and to those of you that do I hope you enjoy!

Lucas had no idea where he was. 

One second, he was with his closest friends having the time of his life then he blinked and now he was in what looked like a waiting room. 

The furniture was lined with gold, intricate patterns stitched into them. Several people sat around him, some crying and others sitting patiently. The man to his left was muttering something quietly to himself, he looked pale, almost deathly grey, his lips and fingertips were blue and the more Lucas looked at him the more he noticed that the man was actually damp. 

The stranger’s hands were clasped together as he mumbled lowly, water dripping from his hair and landing on his lap. 

He reached out to tap the praying man on his shoulder when he heard his name called from the lavish reception. 

“Wong Yukhei?” the lady called, and Lucas moved on pure adrenaline.

He cautiously stepped up to the counter, to the woman aggressively filing her nails in front of a glass window. 

“Through those doors.” She pointed towards a set of double doors to her right unblinkingly. 

Lucas cleared his throat loudly and rested his weight on the counter and leaned in close so only they could hear his next words. 

“Sorry, do you mind telling me where I am?” the lady stared at him for a couple of seconds, her arm unmoving from its position in the air.

“Through those doors.” She repeated. From her tone of voice Lucas knew she was going to be no help to him. 

His booted feet stomped towards the doors, his accessories jingling with his every step until he pushed at the wood and entered a smaller room. 

In the room sat a gentleman in front of a desk with a cup of water by his side. His glasses perched upon the top of his head as he scribbled down various notes into a black leather book with a feathered quill. He was dressed neatly, his attire all black except for the thin silver chain that sat round his neck. 

Lucas was even more confused in here than in the mystery waiting room. 

“Wong Yukhei? Welcome! Please, take a seat.” 

Lucas did what he was told and sat on the opposite side of the desk. The walls were decorated with framed pictures of people, side by side, one after the other, but the unusual thing was none of the people were smiling, they looked like mug shots.

“I’m sure this has come to you as a surprise but please try to relax, it’s not all bad.” The mysterious man seated opposite him smiled and flicked through his note book until he came across Lucas’s name. 

Full name: Wong Yukhei.   
Date of Birth: January 25th 1999  
Age: 21   
Time of Death: --

Lucas shot up. He slammed his hand on the notebook, causing the man to flinch in his seat. 

“Hold on… what do you mean time of death?”

The man blinked and stared at Lucas; who matched his confused expression. 

“Wasn’t you- Didn’t anyone brief you upon arrival?” 

Lucas slowly shook his head.

“Oh my, you must be so perplexed, Yukhei, I’m sorry to tell you this but you’re deceased.”

There was a loud buzzing in his ears, Lucas felt dizzy. The man’s words fell deaf on his ears, reduced to a mere hum. The bile rose in his throat, burning the flesh on its way up. 

He was going to vomit.

“I know this is a lot to take in, your reaction is perfectly normal…”

How could he be dead? It was only a few hours ago he was dancing in his favourite night club with the bass of the speakers pumping in his ears. There was no way, it must be a prank. 

“I can’t-“ he whispered; slumping in his seat. “I was just with Xiaojun… I can’t be… dead…”

The man snapped his fingers and a small television appeared and, on the screen, Lucas saw himself on a hospital bed surrounded by nurses and doctors, all frantically working on his exposed chest.

“You died a few minutes ago but those doctors haven’t given up yet. They’re still hard at work trying to revive your heart but it’s not looking hopeful.”

Lucas could feel himself hyperventilating. He cradled his head in his hands while his shoulders shook, this couldn’t be happening to him.

“How- How did I die?” the man in black skimmed through his notes until he stopped at a paragraph. “Says here that you died via a cocaine overdose, unfortunate.” 

Lucas furrowed his brows in thought, but it didn’t take long for him to remember he was taking drugs in the club. He and Xiaojun had pooled their wages together to get a bag but that was a typical weekend for them.

“A stranger offered you something stronger and you took it not knowing what it was mixed with and combined with the rest of the drugs in your system and the lack of pacing your body couldn’t cope.”

Lucas watched his limp body on the screen, unresponsive. He blinked the tears away, sniffling as doctor number one continued on push above his heart rhythmically. 

“This can’t be happening.”

The man smiled and closed his notebook. “That’s why I am here, feel free to see me as your Post-Death Counsellor, the name “Grim Reaper” sounds so harsh to me.” 

Said “Post-Death Counsellor” extended his hand in greeting, but when Lucas didn’t do the same, he sheepishly drew it back. 

“I’m here to discuss your time on Earth. Simple things such as who you were, what you did, how much you contributed to society, all the boring stuff, and from there we decide where you’ll go!” 

Lucas snapped his head forward. 

“Where I’ll go?”

The man rested his elbows on the desk, looking directing into Lucas’s eyes. 

“On the contrary “Heaven” and “Hell” does not exist, it’s not as simple as that, there’s no upstairs universe full of white clouds and flowing champagne to celebrate you being a good citizen in the mortal realm, nor is there eternal damnation or fiery lakes of torture as punishment for your sins. Depending on how good you were you will either be free to embrace your new spiritual life with others or you’ll be subjected to a room where you’ll be made to repent in solitude.” 

The stranger licked his thumb and looked through his book again with a hiss. “But I gotta tell you Yukhei you really got up to some stuff on earth… excessive drinking and mild drug addiction… thievery… stealing from others close to you… it’s not looking good.” 

Lucas opened his mouth to protest but he was right, he was a piece of shit, he’d hurt so many people and it had never once crossed his mind.

“I need to return back to earth.” Lucas frowned at the man’s exaggerated chuckle.

“You wouldn’t believe how many times I hear that in a day.”

Lucas shook his head. “I’m serious. This-“ Lucas tapped on the screen, to where the medical staff were declaring his time of death. “Was a mistake, a terrible stupid mistake, I’m twenty one years old, I’m studying computer engineering, I have a mother that’s relying on me to do well… if she hears that I’m dead I-“ His sentence trails off as his throat closed up at the thought of his mother finding out about his demise. 

The stranger cocked an eyebrow and placed his glasses on the table. 

“I know this hard to grasp but you need to accept this. You’re dead, there’s no going back.” 

That answer wasn’t good enough, back on Earth Lucas was well known for being stubborn.

He begged, whatever pride Lucas had disappeared the moment he dropped to his knees and begged for the return of his life.

The man watched him with a neutral expression. Giant tears drops rolled down Lucas’s face, highlighting against his reddening cheeks. 

“Please… I have so much to live for.” 

The man sighed and rubbed his temples. “Get up.” Lucas did what he was told, sniffling as he stumbled back into his seat.

“I can’t stand to see a man embarrass himself like that…” 

Lucas wiped his leaking nose with the inside of his shirt and quickly trying to rid of his hiccups. 

A contract was manifested from thin air and pushed towards Lucas. 

“One chance. You get exactly one more chance on Earth to correct your life, but don’t take this the wrong way, I’m not asking you to be the next messiah but to stop wasting your time, no more drugs, no more meaningless sex, no more stealing.” 

If Lucas nodded his head any faster, he might have damaged his spine. He signed the contract in front of him, the pen scratching across velvet paper with ease and when he was done gasped when the sheet dissipated in front of him.

“I don’t normally do this so don’t give me a reason to regret it.”

Before Lucas could thank him, he was gone and the room was crumbling around him bit by bit. Lucas closed his eyes and imagined holding his mother again, imagined seeing his friends and colleagues as the mystery man’s final words echoed in the air.

“I’ll be keeping a close eye on you.” 

oOo

The first thing Lucas heard was the sound of someone yelling for help. His eyes snapped opened, hazy and unfocused while his lungs filled with much needed oxygen.

There was a light shone into his eyes and someone was talking to him, but he couldn’t comprehend what was being said, everything was too much too soon. 

“Fuck.” His voice was hoarse, lips were chapped, and his mouth was dry. His chest stung next to his heart and a migraine was starting to form but he was back in his original body.

“You scared us for a second there, Yukhei.” The doctor grinned above Lucas as he checked his temperature. 

Lucas looked around the room, to the nurses that talked through their masks to the coloured tubes that were attached to his arms. His signature leather jacket was still around his shoulders, complete with badges and chains. He was back on earth. 

“How are you feeling?” the doctor asked again. Lucas heard his eyes squelch in their sockets as he rolled them to look in his direction. He scoffed gently. 

The man’s words rumbled in his brain again, about how he was keeping an eye on him, Lucas had no intentions of going back to purgatory any time soon. 

He lulled his head towards the doctor once more and threw him his trademark smile. 

“Could I trouble you for some water, doc? My throat is killing me.”


	2. Chapter 2

It had been two weeks since he’d been discharged from hospital which meant Lucas was celebrating his two-week sobriety. The first twenty-four hours were easy because he had the distractions of the nurses fussing over him and the constant beeping of machines but soon the unmistakable itch of need crept up on him, followed by the anxiety, nausea and restlessness. 

Lucas had never thought of himself as an addict, always convinced himself that he had control over his drug intake and he was in charge, not the substance; but once the withdrawal settled in Lucas thanked his guardian angel he was already in a hospital.

He looked over the city from his shabby one-bedroom apartment, cigarette hanging loose from his lips as he watched an argument take place on the streets below him. 

He hadn’t spoken to any of his friends since he was released, a part of him was worried that he’d fall back into his old ways if he reunited with Xiaojun, another part of him was more scared of his near death experience. 

Sometimes his mind wondered back to Grim and the waiting room for the dead, Lucas was sure it was all a cocaine induced trip, the euphoria of death canoodling with the chemicals of the drug to create a psychological universe only he could survive in but it all seemed too real, especially the god of deaths last words to him. 

But among the chaos and confusion at the front of his mind Lucas remembered the young man that laid in the bed next to his, the one that had caught his attention when he was finally able to see without his sight blurring.

The mystery man had black hair except his roots had grown out, exposing its natural brown colour. His skin was pale, and his body was thin and weak looking; Lucas could see that much from his form under the sheets, but Lucas remembers seeing the multitude of violent scarring that littered his skin, highlighted crimson against his pasty flesh.

His wrists were bandaged but Lucas could still see some red seeping through the protection, and it didn’t take him long to put two and two together about this man. 

They were both in the ward for near death experiences but only one was intentional and until the man had woken up Lucas couldn’t stop staring at him. 

oOo

“So why are you in here?” he was just trying to make light conversation and if he was really being honest with himself talking distracted him from the suicidal thoughts caused by his withdrawal depression. 

The man lulled his head to face Lucas, eyes sunken and lifeless before facing the ceiling again quietly. 

“Not much of a talker huh? I’ll tell you about me.” When silence met his ears, Lucas took that as a sign to continue talking, even if the man wasn’t listening. 

“Took some bad drugs, nearly overdosed, met the god of death, he told me I had to change my life and gave me a second chance, and now I’m here, trying to take one of these nurses home with me.” 

Lucas hoped his joke might have gotten a laugh out of the other, but he got nothing, not even an eye roll. 

A shiver ran down his spine as a sudden chill raked through his insides. He knew it was just him because his temperature had been inconsistent since his withdrawal began and if he had a choice Lucas welcomed the cold more than the heat. 

“I-I-I think they’re gonna let me go soon though, I’m sure they knew it was all a mistake, I’ve taken up enough of their time-“ 

“They won’t let you go.” The man said, eyes still plastered on the ceiling. “whatever’s happening to your body, you’re not fit enough to be among society just yet… they won’t let you…” 

The man turned his head again and when he saw Lucas looking at his scars tucked his arms underneath his blanket. 

“You’re shivering and sweating, you’ve been awake for nearly forty-eight hours and the little sleep you did get you were talking loudly. You haven’t eaten and yet you’ve vomited twice, I know drug withdrawal when I see it, you’re not leaving yet.” 

Lucas sucked on his teeth thinking of a reply. He did not like the way this man was speaking to him like he knew what he was going through, as if he was getting familiar with him. 

“How the hell would you know? you’ve been asleep this entire time.” He snapped; sitting up in agitation. 

It was faint but Lucas saw the corners of the man’s lips curl up slightly and turn to face the ceiling with closed eyes once more.

“Just because my eyes are closed doesn’t mean I’m asleep.” 

Lucas scoffed. “So, you _were_ ignoring me before?” 

Quiet filled the air again, and Lucas tutted as he flatted his back against his bed, contemplating whether to end it all if it meant he didn’t have to feel this internal pain any longer.


	3. Chapter 3

_Large americano?”_

Lucas collected his drink from the cashier with a thank you and a wink, it was in his personality to flirt with everyone, even people he wasn’t attracted to, almost like a second nature. 

His leather biker jacket, his second skin, sat draped around his broad shoulders; bunching up with every step he took. 

Six weeks into sobriety and he’d never felt better. His skin had become clearer and the pesky cough that greeted him every morning had disappeared, leaving his sinuses clearer than they’ve ever been. 

Occasionally Lucas would wake up during the middle of the night after an intense nightmare and sob himself back to sleep or sinister hallucinations would haunt his peripheral vision from every corner, but his doctor had warned him about the aftermath before he left, he was prepared for them.

The door to the café jingled and Lucas automatically looked up only to be greeted by a familiar face. 

The man that occupied the bed next to him in hospital, he didn’t look any different, still sickly and pale but Lucas couldn’t see his scars this time due to the long sleeve checkered shirt he was wearing. 

Lucas slipped behind him and bent towards the man’s exposed ear, breathing softly. 

“You know, I still don’t know your name.” 

The man jumped with a yelp, wallet slipping from his hands but luckily caught in the same second. 

Lucas chuckled, palm resting on his hip bone as a smirk danced upon his lips. 

“I see they let you out, good for you bro.” 

The man turned his attention back to the cashier and paid for his drink quietly. “Yeah. Looks like it.”

Lucas wasn’t one to feel awkward but something about being around this stranger made him uncomfortable. He shifted from leg to leg, coffee still in his hands while the man in front of him sighed. 

“Can I help you with something?” he asked; voice laced with boredom. 

Lucas cleared his throat and huffed out his chest, ready to say his next sentence. 

“You wanna join me at my table?” he asked, bouncing on the balls of his feet. 

The man glanced at Lucas from his shoes to his face and with a sigh gestured for him to lead the way, Lucas decided to ignore his reluctancy.

Their coffees cups clinked against the mahogany table as they took their seats, awkwardly sitting opposite each other. 

“So.” Lucas spoke, nursing his cup in his hands. “What’s your name?” 

The man shifted in his chair; head lowered to his own cup. 

“It’s polite to introduce yourself first.” 

Lucas rolled his eyes but played along anyway. “My name is Lucas. I’m twenty-one years old.” 

The man took a sip from his cup, lubricating his drying throat. 

“Ten. I’m twenty-four.”

So this man’s name was Ten. Instantly Lucas didn’t believe that was his real name. 

He leaned forward so only they could hear him and mumbled lowly. “What kinda fake name is Ten?”

Ten shrugged. “You told me a fake name just now.” 

Lucas parted his lips to argue but Ten stopped him. 

“I heard the doctors when you arrived, they called you something different, I assumed that was your name and by your expression I guess I was right.” 

Lucas slumped in his seat and folded his arms. He never told people his real name, it felt too personal, a semi dead name that he only allowed his parents and government officials to use. 

He shook his head with a defeated laugh and copied Ten’s shrug. 

“Fine, you caught me. My real name is Wong Yukhei, it’s a pleasure to meet you.” 

Ten nodded and Lucas saw his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed his saliva.

“Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul…” 

The silent settled back between them while they drank their now lukewarm coffees and Lucas was racking his brains thinking of something to discuss with the man named Ten. 

“Do you wanna be friends, Ten?” 

Ten’s sudden sputtering shocked Lucas. His coffee spilt on the table, wetting Lucas’s jacket sleeves. 

They both scrambled to clean the mess, but Lucas wasn’t all that bothered about a damp table, he was more focused on the odd fellow sitting with him. 

“You make it seem as if it’s that easy making friends…” Ten whispered.

“Because it is.” Lucas counter argued. “At least it is for me.” 

Lucas stopped a passing waitress and asked for her pen and slid both the object and a wet napkin towards Ten; groaning when he didn’t understand. 

“Your contact details please! I like to keep in touch with my friends.” 

As Ten wrote his number down Lucas observed the scarring that peaked out from under his unbuttoned sleeve, it was minimal, but he was reminded of what he saw at the hospital and how Ten’s arms was more red then pale. He wanted to ask him about it but even someone as dumb as him knew there were some boundaries he couldn’t cross. 

The napkin was back in front of Lucas and he scrunched it up and stuffed it into his pocket happily.

“Expect a call from me.” He said and blew a kiss to his new friend before standing up and heading out the shop; leaving Ten dumbfounded and alone.

oOo

Weekends were the hardest of him, Lucas had discovered. it’s almost as if his body had become accustomed to receiving large amounts of toxins and didn’t know how to cope with his new clean lifestyle.

The physical cravings had weakened leaving only the mental. Sometimes Lucas would pace around his apartment chain smoking to try and be rid of the voices that told him one more line wouldn’t hurt, the demons that were working overtime to get him to call his dealer and inhale an entire bag by himself alone in the dark of his bedroom with a bottle of whiskey. 

He wasn’t stronger than the devil, but he was trying to be. 

His hands shook as he scrolled down to Ten’s number, batting away the deafening noise reminding him how sweet the high use to be, and put the phone to his ear when he heard the first ring and connect. 

“Hey Ten!” his voice sounded croaky from the lack of hydration. He forced himself to sound normal and not as if he was on the verge of a relapse. 

“You wanna come over?” 

oOo

The condensation trickled down the sides of their bottles of beer, pooling on the coasters underneath them; both untouched. 

Lucas hasn’t planned what to do once Ten had arrived at his place and truth to told he wasn’t even sure he wanted him anymore, but he was sitting by the edge of his couch, thighs impossible close together with his hands neatly perched in his lap. 

“You wanna listen to some music or something?” When Ten didn’t answer Lucas sighed and rested back against the pillows of the couch. 

He’d never noticed how loud the tickling of his wall clock was before this moment, every time the minute hand moved forward the mechanics rang in his ear drums. 

“You were more talkative in the café…” 

Lucas reached for his beer; gulping down a hearty amount to soothe his nerves, this was officially top five most uncomfortable situations of his life. 

“Why did you call me here?” Ten’s timid voice pulled Lucas out from his daydream; surprising him slightly. 

“I just- just wanted to hang out-“ it was a white lie and they both knew it. 

Ten turned to face his new friend, thick eyelashes fluttering against his cheekbones whenever he blinked. 

“Are you sure you’re not just using my company and lack of ability to refuse to drown out the temptations you’re feeling?” 

Lucas paused, embarrassed. He felt vulnerable like an open book with the easiest of literature. He could feel the tips of his ears heating up and took a deep breath to calm himself before replying.

“That’s not it.” 

Ten scooted closer to Lucas, eyes training over his now tense body. “It’s okay, I don’t mind.” 

The ringing in his ears had turned into the gushing of blood, pulsing through his veins, Lucas knew what was happening, it was the tell-tale signs that he was losing his temper.

Lucas flinched when Ten’s warm palm flattened against his balled fist. The anger was beginning to subside thanks to his company and when Lucas felt steady enough to glance up threw ten a sad smile. 

“I’m fine.” He mumbled. 

Ten cocked his head slightly in attempt to see the truth in Lucas’s eyes.

“I understand what you’re going through. Use me as a distraction.” 

Since he’d moved countries Lucas had always relied on himself, he had no one to fall back on if he failed. His “friends” he soon realised they weren’t truly his friends but more destructive acquaintanceships. He was alone. 

He laughed, loudly, clutching his chest and chortling until there were tears in his eyes. Ten’s confusion didn’t pass him, but he couldn’t explain what he was feeling. For the first time in his life Lucas felt like where was someone he could lean on for support.

His fingers tangled with Ten’s and brought the males hand to his lips to ghost the skin. 

“Did you know that Kissing Gourami aren’t actually kissing but fighting for dominance?” 


	4. Chapter 4

Xiaojun’s had tried to contact him several times since he had been discharged from the hospital but Lucas didn’t trust himself to pick up the call. 

He received message after message asking what happened to him and if he was were okay, and physically he was but mentally and emotionally he was coming apart at the seams. 

He saw the afterlife in his dreams, reminding him that he was being watched and this new life of his was the only thing separating him from purgatory, Lucas wouldn’t classify them as night terrors anymore because he was so use to them.

Ten became a regular visitor after the first time he came round, Lucas could phone him at any time of the day and ask him if he was free, and within the hour Ten was at his front door, clad in black with his homemade flower tote bag hanging loosely from his frail shoulder. 

Sometimes he would stay the night, would curl into a tight ball at the edge of Lucas’s single bed, wide awake while Lucas laid with his arm behind his head staring up at the ceiling. At first it felt weird, sharing a bed but soon they both had grown accustomed to it.

One night Ten had used his shower and when he emerged from the mist Lucas saw every cut and scar that lingered on Ten’s body. 

From his ankles to his thighs, up his torso to his arms. Some were deeper, more vicious; while others were light and directionless. Nothing more than an extreme situation to feel temporary relief. The freshest ones on Ten’s wrists, the ones that Lucas saw at the hospital bandaged, were now exposed and Lucas could see just how gaping the wounds were. 

His staring didn’t go unnoticed and Ten rubbed his arms self-consciously. 

“I tried to kill myself.” He said, and Lucas’s head shot up.

“I didn’t as-“

“But you were thinking it, right?” 

Ten fidgeted on the spot, water dripping from his blackened hair to his collarbones. 

“That’s why I was there… in the hospital. They saved me just in time even though I’d lost a lot of blood.

Ten stepped towards Lucas, feet stopping just inches from him sitting on the bed. Lucas swallowed thickly. 

“I got tired of living. This world… it’s too much for me, I couldn’t cope. Every one of these scars represent a painful memory in my life, until one day I realised that simply hurting myself wasn’t enough.”

Lucas reached out and pulled Ten in by the arm. Their knees touched, Ten hovering over Lucas’s form with lazy eyes and Lucas pressed his lips to Ten’s stomach; not so much a kiss as it was a sense of comfort. 

“I’m glad you didn’t die.” He exhaled against damp skin; wondering if Ten actually heard him. 

“I’m glad you’re here right now, with me.” 

oOo

“You said you met the god of death, what were they like?” 

Ten laid by his side, head under Lucas’s armpit as his arms bunched up between them. 

Lucas was looking up at the ceiling again, rainbow dots forming at the corners of his eyes from staring at one spot for too long. 

He exhaled and turned his head to nuzzle at Ten’s hair. 

“He looked human, no gigantic wings on his back and no claws. He wore a black suit and his voice was soft.” 

Lucas’s index curled over Ten’s chin and lifted it high enough for their eyes to align. He moved his face toward, taking notice of the way Ten’s lids drooped until they closed and rubbed their noses together. 

“I don’t wanna see him again.”

“Why?” Ten questioned and moves back teasingly when Lucas brushes his lips against his.

“Because if I do it means I won’t see you again.” 

There’s an air between them that Lucas can’t identify. It wasn’t sexual even though he wouldn’t reject the idea of being intimate with Ten, but instead it was consoling, a solace he’d never experienced before. His mind told him to kick Ten out before he ruined everything, but he pushed those thoughts away and instead pressed his mouth to Ten’s waiting ones; cupping his cheek and pulling him in closer by his tiny waist. 

He felt content.


	5. Chapter 5

Ten was avoiding him, and Lucas didn’t know why. 

He’d been calling him nonstop, hoping that each time he rang it would be the time Ten picked up; but he didn’t. 

He’d send messages and left voicemails despite knowing that no one checked their voicemails these days. It was driving him insane. 

He wished he’d asked Ten for his address at least once so he could go to his apartment himself.

His imagination ran amok, assuming the worst, because that’s how the human mind works when it’s met with unanswered questions. 

_“What if he went through with it?”_

“Ten wouldn’t do that without coming to me first.”

_“What if he hates you?”_

“Why would he? We were getting along great.”

_“What he discovered what a pathetic deadbeat you are and realised his worth?”_

“Ten… he wouldn’t- shut up, shut up, shut up!” 

He tried to ring him again, the dial tone vibrating in his mind until he was greeted with a automated female voice informing him that the person he was trying to reach was unavailable.

His phone met the wall, bouncing off the brick and chipping the plaster. He didn’t care.

Lucas slumped to his knees. His body felt heavy, malevolent souls weighting him down and manipulating his thoughts. 

He needed to get out, get away from himself before he self-destructed.

He heard a faint buzzing from his now cracked phone across the room and crawled over to it, hoping it was Ten returning his call to tell him everything was okay and he was fine but the name that glowed on the screen wasn’t Ten, not nearly the person he wanted to talk to but his arm moved anyway and put the device to his ear.

“Hello?”

oOo

The bar Lucas use to frequent hadn’t changed in nearly two months, not that he’d expected it to.

The bouncer still knew who he was and didn’t hesitate to let him past the velvet curtains even though they weren’t open for business yet. 

He didn’t want to be here but being alone wasn’t an option. He sat next to Xiaojun and a couple of other men he used to meet up with, he doesn’t know them as well as Xiaojun did but remembers their names, Yang Yang and Hendery. 

His beer, now warm, rested in his fist untouched while the men chatted among themselves, talking about nonsensical things such as last night’s match and the hot bartender who was recently hired. 

Lucas never once questioned why they were allowed in the bar before hours until now. 

“We heard you nearly died.” Yang Yang pulled up all of a sudden. He was always smiling, his grin unnaturally wide and when he thought about it he was probably high. 

Lucas laughed, trying to represent his classic douche bag alter ego that he’d adopted for so long. 

“Yeah, you know how it is, but a little coke isn’t enough to kill me.” 

The room laughed and Lucas felt sick to his stomach. He’d wasted so many years with this group of men and if someone asked him to recall a certain event, he couldn’t tell them. He had nothing to show for it. 

Xiaojun nudged Lucas in the ribs, still chuckling, and took his drink from his hand to set it on the table. 

“Sorry, I forgot to tell you Win Win’s stuff can be strong but get a load of this.” 

A pure white baggie dangled loosely from Xiaojun’s fingers, near sparkling under the neon lighting. Anxiety crawled into Lucas’s stomach and up his chest; making it hard to breathe. 

He was handed a straw as Xiaojun created four perfect lines on the table with his credit card, one each of them. 

The room was becoming overbearingly hot. Lucas looked around, wondering if there was someone around to bring him a glass of water but with his oesophagus wheezing in his throat and the air becoming limited his only option was to leave. 

He was nudged again and Xiaojun ushered for him to take his line, smiling so sweetly it made bile work its way up his throat. 

He wanted to cry. He wanted to escape. 

His phone rang in his pocket and the anime themed jingle caught the other’s attention. 

His heart squeezed in his rib cage when he looked at the name, it was him. Ten flashed on the screen with a emoticon and Lucas scrambled to answer before he ran out of time. 

“Ten!” he couldn’t help the excitement in his voice. 

He was met with silence for a couple of seconds; the sound of laboured breathing tickling his ears. 

“Ten?” he tried again and turned away from the curious stares of the others. 

_“Are you home?”_ Was Ten’s response. He distraught, broken, like something terrible had happened. 

“I can be.” The straw between his fingers fell to the ground forgotten as Lucas stood and walked towards the exit. 

“Where are you?” 

He heard a hitch in Ten’s voice, a sob, and Lucas’s feet began moving faster.

“Wait for me outside my place, I’ll be there in ten minutes.” 

At some point he’d started running, passing innocent bystanders and allowing them to become blurs. 

The chains on his trousers chimed the quicker he ran, mixing with the heavy stomps of his boots against the pavement. 

He wasn’t taking in enough air, his chest and lungs both hurt but he sped up, too occupied with reaching Ten. 

He needed to see Ten. 


	6. Chapter 6

Lucas didn’t ask Ten what had happened when he finally arrived at his apartment. He didn’t have the heart to once he saw him sitting on his door step with his knees against his chest, wiping away hot tears with the back of his sleeve. He didn’t need to, it wasn’t important.

Ten curled himself against Lucas on his bed as Lucas hushed him into a calmness. The cry that left Ten would haunt Lucas for a while; he’d never heard such a howl before. A pain that stemmed from years of untreated trauma. Lucas felt useless. 

He tilted Ten’s face up; now puffy and swollen, placing light kisses along the trail of tears that dripped down his cheeks, drying them in their path and whispering words of encouragement to soothe his distressed soul. 

Ten hiccupped while Lucas shushed him, fingers brushing through Ten’s grown out hair and pulling him closer. 

“I’m here now.” 

Their lips met for a brief moment, more or less to quiet them both until they met again, and again, one more time until they were making out and Ten’s watery sigh is tickling Lucas’s own plump lips. 

Lucas doesn’t know when it happened but suddenly, he was on his back and Ten is straddling his waist and both their shirts are next to his head while Ten was leaning down again to kiss him. 

There was a certain urgency that Ten was kissing him with, like he was worried Lucas would disappear if they don’t do this quickly. But Ten is still upset; stray tears landing on Lucas’s cheekbones as he kisses him passionately, and Lucas’s subconscious is telling him to stop this before it all goes horribly wrong. 

“Hey Ten-“ he started but a feeble hand covers his mouth while another works open the buttons on his trousers. 

“Please don’t make me think about anything.” Ten whispers and lowers Lucas’s pants down just enough to expose the top of his boxers.

Ten flattens his hands against Lucas’s stomach, his cold touch making Lucas shiver against the sheets, and drags his palms across the tanned plains of his skin; biting down on his swollen bottom lip. 

“I just need to think about something else, so please… let me? You want this too, right?” 

His nails scratch down skin to the rising bump under Lucas’s jeans and massages the area with teasing touches. 

It had been a long time since Lucas had gotten laid, way before the incident, so even a strong gust of wind could make him come, and Ten’s hand felt so amazing despite not actually touching him. 

But he was trying not to be a scumbag anymore and taking advantage of someone in this state was not something he did. 

He flipped them over and held Ten’s hands above his head, breath already ragged from pent up sexual frustration. 

“We can’t do this, you’re sad.” 

Ten squirmed every now and then, trying to wiggle his way out of Lucas’s hold, but he was too strong for him and soon gave up with a scowl. 

“I’m fine.” He said. Lucas didn’t believe him. 

He shook his head and bent down to rest his forehead against Ten’s, drinking in each other’s breaths until they both calmed down. 

“Do you hate me?” Ten asked in the quietness of the room. Lucas didn’t reply for a few seconds, too deep in the sound of Ten’s breathing pattern to shake himself awake yet. 

“No… in fact, I like you.” 

Silence. 

“But you befriended me for sex, right?” 

Lucas shot up and cocked a brow. Ten stared at him unblinkingly, his question deadly serious. 

“Why the hell would you even think that?” 

Ten shifted his gaze to the wall beside them. He worried his lip while he looked at the discolouration on the plaster, looking everywhere but at Lucas. And when he spoke, his voice was so small. 

“Because that’s all people ever want from me.” 

Lucas’s grip on Ten’s wrist softened and his hands slipped down Ten’s arms as he sat up; completely in shock. 

“Ten- I would nev- I like you for you.” 

Ten scoffed and matched Lucas’s actions. He sat up so they were face to face, but his eyes shone with someone who didn’t believe him. 

“There’s nothing to like about me.”

Lucas didn’t understand what was happening. Ten was just crying in his arms, begging him not to leave him and apologising for disappearing on him and now, he’s pushing Lucas off his body and gathering his stuff under his arms.

“Where are you going?” Lucas asked, panic evident in his voice. 

He reached out to grab Ten, to apologise for whatever he said that might have upset him, but Ten pulled his arm away and the look he threw at Lucas felt like daggers. 

“At least when the others used me, they were honest. You’re the worst kind of person.”

Lucas ran towards the door to barricade it. His hands balled into fists, a sudden wash of anger simmering through his core. He didn’t understand Ten and yet he didn’t want to let him go. 

“You came on to _me_!” His voice raised in pitch, unable to calm down at Ten’s accusation. 

“You called _me_! You came to _my_ apartment and tried to have sex with _ME!_ ” 

He needed to calm down before things got more out of control. 

He stepped forward, closing his fingers around Ten’s wrist, stroking the scarring under the pads of his fingers. 

“I wouldn’t do that to you, I need you. You’re the only thing keeping me from drowning.” 

Lucas closed his eyes and swallowed thickly. He couldn’t lose Ten, he’d accidentally become his comfort blanket. Without him he’d surely give up. 

But Ten had made up his mind. He stepped away and around Lucas towards the front door, leaving Lucas an empty shell of a man in the middle of his apartment. 

“You’ll end up becoming like the rest of them.” 

Lucas could hear the ghosts of his past laughing at him, holding hands and dancing around him in circles chanting _“you deserved this.”_

He was shaking. Mumbling _“don’t go”_ under his breath despite Ten already having left the house. He was spiralling, unwilling to go on.

He wasn’t meant to be drinking. He’d done so well outside of the occasional beer, but Lucas always kept a bottle of expensive brandy under his bed just in case. And right now, he needed it.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never expected anyone to like this fic i just wrote it to get the idea out my head but wow people actually enjoy this lol thank you guys so much!

He needed to eat. Lucas knew that. 

His stomach growled at him, demanding even the smallest amount of nourishment, but Lucas knew that if he forced himself to eat, it’d only work its way back up his throat later on. 

The TV static was driving him insane, but he didn’t have the energy to change the channel. 

His only company, an old celebratory bottle of whiskey sat in between his legs, hugged close to his middle as he sat cross legged in front of the black and white screen.

The voices Lucas had tried so hard to block out were back again, breathing their chilled breath in his ear and whispering sinister words, but this time he allowed them. He wasn’t strong enough to shoo them away.

The glass bottle met his lips and the brown liquid slid down his throat with ease, flavours mixing with the taste of stale tobacco on his tongue.

He was considering giving up, ending it all and joining his elders in the afterlife. He was trying to be a good person, but what was the point when the only thing that kept you stable evaporated into thin air.

Another swig of liquor and this time Lucas coughed, drink spilling from the corners of his mouth and under his fashionable ripped shirt.

Lucas could faintly make out a woman on the TV through the flicker of static, but she soon blended in with the monotone colour, disappearing like everything else in his life. 

He passed the point of drunk but was still aware, still had a faint idea of what was happening around him.

A glass smashing from below his window followed by shouting and punches being thrown, a baby crying, a dog barking, police sirens wailing. But soon he was greeted by silence and time stopped altogether.

His head met the plush carpet, body unable to move as the alcohol in his system paralysed his limbs. When his eyelids drooped, he didn’t fight it because in his dreams was the only time that he saw Ten; smiling up at him and holding him close, telling him he loved him and that he’d never leave. 

His dream world with Ten was where he wanted to retire, a place where pain didn’t exist. 

oOo

An accidental alarm awoke Lucas from his slumber, drool forming a pool under his chin from hours of his mouth being open. 

He tapped around him in search of the device and threw it across the room when the noise was disabled. His stomach twisted in his body, sudden discomfort shooting through his core. 

He needed to eat. It had already been three days. 

His cupboards were empty, Lucas already knew that; he didn’t need to check knowing his fridge consisted of only soured milk, two eggs and some rotten cabbage. 

The convenience store wasn’t too far but Lucas’s head was swimming with alcohol and leaving the house wasn’t smart, but the hunger pangs were getting stronger and it was annoying him.

On unstable legs, Lucas stood and hobbled to the front door to grab his jacket and shoes. The room spun around him, creating a whirlwind of patterns and beige colours but this was light work for him, he’d been more fucked than this before. 

oOo

Lucas’s limp body slumped over the various magazines that were neatly placed on the shelves in the convenience store, eyes closed as his inebriated mind tried to remember where he was. 

The shop keeper shouted at him, telling him that if he wasn’t planning on buying something, then he needed to leave. But Lucas didn’t trust himself to speak in fear that vomit would replace his words. 

Ten still buzzed round his mind, sweetly mumbling that he should go home and rest and, in his fantasy, Lucas was sober and gently lifting Ten’s hand to his lips to kiss and calm his worries.

He groaned, accidentally knocking over some mints and catalogues when he turned to face the clerk and gave him his best scorn. 

“Hurry up and leave!” The man said again, voice more stern then before. 

Lucas didn’t understand why he should when he wasn’t bothering anybody. 

He stumbled towards the variety of snacks and noodles, fingering the packets as he tripped over his own feet and found himself in front of the fridges that held soft drinks and alcohol.

Every fibre in his being told him not to buy any more alcohol, that it was a slippery slope into relapse, but at this point Lucas invited the drugs back into his life; at least when he was high, he didn’t feel such despair.

He tucked a couple of flavoured beers under his arms and grabbed the closest bag of snacks he could touch, not bothering to check out the flavour and gagged when the bile crawled up his throat. 

The clerk eyed him suspiciously and told him his total and Lucas patted his pockets only to find his wallet not in its usual place.

“I-“ he started; wiping his nose with the collar of his shirt. 

“I forgot my money.” 

The employee shouted at him, but the insults didn’t reach his ears. When he looked at the man Ten’s face overlapped, complete in blue employee jacket and dark green turtleneck and tutting at Lucas’s forgetfulness.

This Ten was more realistic than the previous Ten’s, a hallucination made via a chemical imbalance due to alcoholism and lack of sleep.

He wanted to reach out and touch him. 

“Hey! Are you listening?! I should-“

“I’ll pay for his stuff and mine.” A secondary voice chimed and handed his card over. 

Lucas looked behind him to his saviour and faintly recognised the person buying his groceries.

“Kun?” he asked. His old university study buddy. 

They used to be friends; Lucas would go over to his house and play video games and pretend to study and Kun’s mom would bring them food as they doodled on each other’s arms and talked about their goals and relationships. Yeah, they were close, until Lucas met the wrong people and accidentally signed a binding contract to drugs.

Sometimes Kun would pop up in his mind during a come down and Lucas would be tempted to call him, but nerves would get the better of him and Lucas would suffer through the dry mouth and headaches alone.

Kun handed Lucas his stuff and smiled as he walked him out the door, holding his arm and helping him down the steps. 

“Long time, no see dude.” Lucas averted his gaze and clutched his plastic bag tighter. 

The silence was deafening, and his fight or flight response was activating. Luckily Kun spoke up again.

“I haven’t seen you at school recently, did you drop out or something?”

Lucas shook his head. “I got caught up in some stuff, but I’ll come back soon.” He didn’t know if that was a lie or not.

Kun nodded and kicked a stone near his foot. “You should, our study group misses you and your wise guy jokes.” He chuckled.

He was going to vomit. His stomach churned violently and pushed days of alcohol up his throat. He doubled over and hurled, reddish brown liquid pouring out his mouth and onto the street, and every time he thought it was over more exited his body. 

Kun jumped back, eyes wide in horror as he watched his old friend spew in front of him. 

“Okay, that’s it. I wasn’t going to say anything because it’s been such a long time, but you look like shit. I’m taking you home, I think I still remember the way.”

Lucas smacked Kun’s hand away, tears dripping down his cheeks while residue dried on his chin.

“Don’t touch me!” he yelled, loud enough to catch the attention of some bystanders.

The dam had broken, and Lucas couldn’t stop the tears from falling. He sobbed loudly, wailing under the brightly lit convenience store as he let himself go and release everything he’d been bottling up, allowing himself to _feel._

“You don’t understand! You’ll never understand… I’m not the same person you remember, I messed up everything, lost everything… and I- I miss him so much…”

Lucas didn’t mean to say the last part, but it was true. His heart ached because of Ten’s absence; the pain spread across his chest like wildfire. Thick tears continued to wet his face, combining with a newly developed coughing fit. The anguish was insufferable. He wanted to die.

Kun patted Lucas on the back; empathy so evident on his body language and urged Lucas to stand.

“C’mon, let’s get you home.”

For once Lucas didn’t argue and pathetically accepted Kun’s shoulder for balance. The night air was perfect for a stroll, but Lucas wanted nothing more but for this life time to end. 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW/ drink spiking  
> Enjoy! x

When Lucas woke up, the first thing that he had noticed was that he was back in his apartment and in his bed, fully clothed with his shoes off. 

The smell of food drifted through the apartment and it was a scent he’d recognise anywhere. 

Kun’s mom use to make this for him when he would visit. He’d never forget the taste; a concoction of spices that only an expert could create. 

He leisurely sat up, body heavy from its pending hangover and followed the smell that hugged his nostrils and guided him with a loving hand. 

Kun stood in front of the stove, whistling a tune as the ingredients sizzled in the pan. He didn’t notice Lucas leaning against the door frame, watching his every move with a smile. 

“You stole your mom’s recipe?” Lucas said, successfully scaring his friend. 

“Only this one. I’m more surprised you actually have spices in your kitchen considering how empty the rest of it is.” 

Lucas walked towards the stove to the pot bubbling crimson with hints of green, yellow and brown from various meats and vegetables. It looked delicious, but his stomach couldn’t handle anything at the moment. 

“I don’t want to insult your mom, but I don’t think I can eat right now.” 

Kun switched off the gas and passed Lucas on his way out, signalling for him to follow him to the bed. From there they both sat crossed legged and opposite each other, hands on their knees and lost in each other’s eyes. 

“Tell me what’s going on.” Lucas had forgotten Kun wasn’t the type to beat around the bush; he missed how direct he was. 

“It’s a long story.” Lucas replied, rolling his eyes. 

Kun shrugged. “So? I have time. I’m caught up with all my work and I’ve already messaged my girlfriend to tell her I’m going to be home late.” 

Lucas smirked. “You have a girlfriend now?” 

“Don’t change the subject.” 

It was worth a try. 

Lucas sighed, air exhaling from his lungs heavily. Although it was only Kun, he felt nervous. 

“You won’t like me after this.” 

Kun smiled gently and despite the fact he’s never voiced it, Lucas needed that small reassurance. 

“I didn’t like you to begin with.” 

So, Lucas spilled everything; told Kun about his life after he stopped attending university, told him about his meeting with Xiaojun and the drugs and anxiety and the addiction. He told him things he never thought he’d let slip past his lips, thoughts he’d kept locked behind a door in his brain guarded by chains and padlocks. He told him about his trip to the hospital and his dinner date with death and last of all he told him about Ten and how he might be in an unhealthy relationship but couldn’t survive without him. 

It was like a rush of fresh air having someone he trusted to be open with, without judgement listening to him for once. Years of dealing with issues on his own by pushing them away all came spilling out like word vomit. Lucas felt lighter. Free. 

Kun scratched his head as he processed all that Lucas had told him and patted his knees. 

“You should have called me.” He mumbled. Lucas knew. 

It was in Kun’s personality to blame himself when his friends were hurt. He wanted to protect everyone, even at the expense of his own sanity. 

“Don’t go blaming yourself, no one forced me to be a shitty person. I guess I’m just paying the price for it now.” 

Lucas sighed and dropped back against the bed. Splatters of rainbow coloured dots covered the ceiling the longer he stared at one spot. Kun copied him and dropped back on the bed with a huff, arms both by their sides staring up at nothing. 

For the first time in weeks Lucas’s heart felt calm. 

“Why don’t you come stay with me for a few weeks? It’s not really healthy to be cooped up by yourself with only your thoughts all the time.” Kun said, turning to rest on his elbow and looking at his friend. 

“There’s plenty of space for you at mine, think of it as a mental holiday.” 

Lucas remained quiet for a few seconds, thinking about his options. 

“Won’t your girlfriend mind?” he asked. 

Kun snorted and lightly punched Lucas on his bare chest. 

“Oh, course not. I’ve talked about you so much she practically knows who you are. Plus, she’s super welcoming.” 

There really was no reason for him to refuse. 

Lucas nodded, smiling genuinely for what felt like the first time in weeks. 

“Sure, why not.” 

oOo 

He'd fucked up again.

Ten gripped the grimy bathroom sink tightly as he focused on trying to steady his breathing. He was more than sure somebody had slipped something into his drink. Maybe it was one of the guys that were talking to him at the bar. This haziness that threatened to take over his conscious was a feeling he was all too familiar with. 

He was in the wrong bathroom too. The mind-numbing chatting of women talking about their looks and men filled his eardrums without permission, irritating Ten.

He stumbled over to the communal mirror and slumped down in front of it, ignoring the whispers and giggles aimed at him. The women didn’t even seem surprised to see him. 

Ten observed his reflection in the mirror dirtied with fingerprints and make up smudges. He looked tired; poorly hidden eye bags under a layer of concealer combined with cheap one-dollar eyeliner. His thin cardigan hung loosely over his form, exposing a feeble scarred shoulder. He hated the way he looked. 

The women had left the bathroom and his vision was fading fast. He needed to get out of here, he needed to call someone. 

His first thought was to call Lucas, the sweetheart that had stolen his heart, but Ten knew he probably hated him by now; after everything he’d put him through, he wouldn’t be surprised. 

Ten scrolled though his phonebook occasionally slapping his cheeks to keep him awake, until he came across a name that he hadn’t called in a while. 

The sandman soothed his hair as his eyes began to droop; he was scared but that also wasn’t a rare feeling for him too. 

The phone continued to ring and Ten begged his friend to pick up and he couldn’t explain the joy that washed over him once the call connected. 

“Which bar do I need to come and get you from this time?”


End file.
